Reflection

Reflection can be a heart warming experience yet also it can be heart wrenching. How we learn to move on from the negative experiences of our past and hold close the positive memories is key to living a happier life. Some sad things in our past can mark us greatly as an adult but they must not define us, that has taken me a very long time to come to terms with.

So today I have reflected on how on earth I ever got to 34 stone, I have had that question asked of me a few times, I honestly do not know how I did. Well I know the facts are I ate too much and moved too little! But the but is huge, how emotionally I let myself get to 34 stone is a much bigger question.

Looking back over my life I have comfort ate and eaten in secret many times, a plaster to make myself feel better for the moment. As a child I felt loved, very much loved by my parents. However I grew up in quite a violent home due to my Dad’s drinking and violence towards my mother. As a child I witnessed many things that a child should not have, my poor mother suffered badly at his hands, when my Dad was sober he was a lovely, but alcohol turned him into a violent wife beater. The graphic detail of this childhood really is too much to bare and I am not sure it would be right to bring it all back into present life as thats not fair on my Mother.

So you are getting a picture of me from a very young age around 5 when I witnessed and still remember terrible violent beating my Mother had, I can remember fleeing the scene screaming. So my comfort eating began quite young. As an only child I expect I shouldered much emotional baggage, but amongst all of this chaos was love, my Mother a strong and amazing women did everything in her power to give me the best she could, we were not a wealthy family, my Mom had to work full time to put a roof over our head as my Dad often drank his wages away.  I had to stay at the grandparents in the school holiday I remember and sick days, my Grandad always spoilt me with my favourite melted cheese on toast, which was always on hand cut door stop size bread. I can remember my Dad dragging me down the path to my grandparents house I would scream I want my Daddy, wriggling and crying I wanted to stay with my Dad. I can remember crying myself to the sleep on the sofa, I think the problem was the house was huge, noisy my Dad was one of 14 children and they had two council houses knocked into one. For me an only child it was all a little overwhelming, so I guess the food my Grandad spoilt me with was again emotional eating. In the 60’s and 70’s people did not interfere with the neighbour who beat his wife, there was no where for my Mom to go and she felt she had not where she could go to find a home for her and her child. Her family would not take her in, the attitude back then was you made your own bed lie in it. How harsh a times and attitude of people back then?

Well along the childhood years I was spoilt by my parents and their friends as an only child I had many ‘aunts’ and ‘uncles’ that always bought me sweets etc and gave me pocket money, I was the fat kid who was told it is only puppy fat it will go as you grow older. But that was not the case at all, this makes me smile remembering comments like this. I used to go to social clubs with my parents and their friends, while they played bingo I would be up and down the bar buying crisps and fizzy drinks – I do not remember feeling unhappy about these social evenings, I felt loved by all those people.

Love and food seem linked to many relationships, given to feel better, celebrate, commiserate, console,  placate, actions that seem to be something that many families do – a treat, but when does a treat become too much? I am still trying to work this one out for myself even at the age of almost 54, now as I am older when I think I have a handle of these things, then a stressful situation arrises and suddenly I am that vulnerable child again seeking treats to feel better and make myself feel warm inside, comfort and hugs from myself within. Even now I have the odd binge of these so called treat foods, chocolate, cake etc, its like I am programmed, in a way perhaps I have been. It is taking living with a mindset of being self aware that has really helped me lose the weight I have to date, but on times that vulnerable child just lets rip and lets me know she is still alive and voices herself to me.

Live in the now dear people, do not feel sad for a past that is gone, live for today, make happy moments every day no matter how simple they are. Below is something I found and think is wonderful, something I would like to look into more, Action For Happiness sounds lovely does it not?

Lisa x