The golden penny? What is that then?
There were a few occasions I saw the golden penny on the floor and I chose to walk on by.
When the moment of reality hits home a clear reason that tempts you to get started to change, it is more at that moment a desire to change ones life, not so much I want to lose weight! It is an overwhelming feeling of a need to feel well, a need to not live in the dark any longer.
During my journey I have had beautiful friends that had fought to live whilst fighting cancer, these ladies inspired me beyond measure, but my own self critic hated me, loathed me, I was weak, I was nothing in comparision to my amazing friends. This could have been a moment I could looked to those ladies and used the inspiration I saw in them to lift my own journey. This did not happen that inner critic took me deeper into depression, yes I attempted change but my emotional eating was so engrained I could not believe in myself to overcome the situation I was in. The light dimmed on those golden pennies, I heard the drop but I did not pick them up.
In July 2011 I attempted to cover a music festival in Stevenage, Sonnisphere, it was a huge struggle, day one meant I just covered one stage which meant a short walk from the press arena, some times it was hard to even hold my camera, my hand would shake as it was heavy with the long lens on it. But the photography side of my life is another post to talk about later. At this festival on the second day I arrived and walking back stage to the press arena, I felt really unwell, so odd, I felt sick, dizzy, not the heart holding heart attack we often envisage, I did not have in particular severe pain, but I just knew I had to stop walking, I knew something was really wrong. The upshot was I was taken to hospital, a blood test revealed I had had a heart attack, they carried out an angioplasty the following day, whilst in theatre, they discovered I had a severe blockage of LAD artery some 90 odd percent quite dangerous! They carried out a stent procedure there and then. After a few days in hospital I vowed to get healthy and was thankful for the team treating me. This mindset did not last long as depression moved in a few weeks later. The dreaded D word seems to play a huge roll in my developing life. So a golden opportunity to turn my life around was once again left on the roadside and that golden penny was lost.
When my father in law was terminally ill with cancer we visited him and I can remember walking to his room and it really hurt, I was in so much physical distress, but I had to do this. Sadly my father in law passed away such a sudden and fast moving cancer none of us had time to take it all in. The day of his funeral well perhaps that was his parting gift to me, the final golden penny I would eventually pick up! I can remember walking well hobbling to the crematorium from the car, I was struggling to stand at this point I was well over 30stone approx 32 stone. Walking into the crematorium for his service I was the almost the last one through the door, I can remember feeling embarrassed, scared, upset for this day of my father in laws funeral, the pain on my husbands face as we saw his coffin stand before us all. The service seemed to go on for ever, it was as though time stood still, I stood somehow to try and sing and robotically do what people do at such affairs. Then my husband, children and myself took our turn to go to his coffin and lay roses on it, as we stood there, I felt this tremendous moment of clarity, the final golden penny, I saw it and picked it up, this was the moment I knew I could change and wanted to change. I did not want to die of my own hand prematurely from over eating, I could do this, it was a few weeks later that I walked into my Doctors begging for help….