Wow it has been a while since my air smelt fresh and hopeful and truly positive, what an amazing feeling to fall asleep to last night and wake up to again this morning.
So here I am with a clear mind after a succession of binges, I thought I had cracked my old habits and changed my life forever with Filling & Healthy, I saw some foods as poison, I envisaged the power of eating healthy and knew it was healing me like a medicine. Abstained from triggers which I knew would always trip me up. I had for once understood me and what I was capable of and could make myself stronger and powerful in my own truth, some 16 stone later with Weight Watchers I found myself living a life I could only of ever dreamed of. In the beginning all I wanted was to be able to care for myself and be mobile, fitting into size 12 was not part of that end vision, my dream to save my own life. Yet I did achieve that, size 12, I can barely believe that number even though I know it is fact.
So when did the binges return? When did I become complacent? What happened to knowing my own truth? Did my own truth change? The binges never went away, I had replaced with healthier options of foods, whole tubs of fat free yogurt, punnet of grapes, I was still and still am a binger. The complacency crept upon me, I knew it was there but thought I could handle it, it will be ok tomorrow! Sound familiar? My inner truth has never changed, I just turned down the volume and chose to not listen.
I guess like any abuser, in my case it is food, the emotional reasons will always be there, also the habit of turning to that comfort will always be there, the answer is in mindfulness, not feeling guilt and acknowledging these things that are my make up. It is ok to be who I am and have frailty, it is not ok for me to give up on myself. Even during my binge days I knew I would get back to it, but in those moments that is what I had numbly chose to do.
How do I turn up my inner voice, how do I listen more to that voice than the negative words that can over power my positivity? It is not easy, but by keep being persistent and breaking down into very small goals I was able to clear a pathway from the fogy path of the binge eater. It goes back to realising my triggers, which are for me as below:
change of routine
The outcome is consumption of alcohol which leads to eating snacks and rubbish processed foods, which leads to more alcohol and so the cycle begins, next day I get up thinking I will forget yesterday, start again, some times the line I draw the following day I am able to cope other days I may last an hour before the next binge.
So how did I lose so much weight to begin with? By accepting my triggers I knew to save my own life I had to abstain from certain situations and foods, which I did for 3 years. I found by abstaining I was able to remove temptation to a large degree, also I wanted so much to be mobile, so the reason to lose weight was so great much greater than wanting to eat cake, crisps and drink wine!
Is abstaining an option for life? As I have become more socialble, engaging in social situations, enjoying holidays, enjoying dressing up to go out, I felt I could take my own foods with me on many occasions and only drink diet coke, but the past year had seen me believe I can control these triggers on occasional basis, sometimes I did other times I could not. Which has led to weight gain, I am enjoying a healthy and positive focus on life at the moment binge free – but do I want to go the rest of my life abstaining from my triggers?
I can’t imagine never enjoying a meal out and have a glass of wine, or a cream tea on holiday, or the odd fish and chip treat. But how do I control these treats? How do I stop the binge happening, because once I taste these foods I want more, more and more.
This is for life, which I have known for a long time and have accepted it, but truthfully when in a binge phase it certainly feels terrible because I have lost so much weight I felt ashamed to still be a binger as I had so much knowledge and expertise. Yet I am still fragile.
I will keep going one meal at a time, one day, invest in positive mind building and self esteem.
So many weight loss stories are about success then and now, but what happens when the successful weight loss turns out to be hard to maintain, what happens when you never get to goal? It is time to talk about the other side of weight loss, the person like me who has lost much weight and re gained some of it. Lost control, the weight loss journey is not just about losing weight, it is about facing the struggles, the times when it does not work because we do not use the plan we follow because of emotional distress or our lives being out of routine.
The Lisa below is the Lisa I enjoy being, this is the body and positive mind that is a joy to live with, I will never quit!
- Top tip! Forget the scales, focus on mental well being, on eating well, one meal at a time, if you go to Weight Watchers like I do, go to class, even after a binge, perhaps don’t weigh in, but go, during these tough times is when we need support the most, this is then not about losing weight, it is about building yourself up emotionally in a positive way, with people who understand and care.
“I am a binge eater, I suffer with depression, I am not perfect, I am broken and fragile, I am open and honest, a woman who struggles and cares, I will never stop trying to live the life I dream of”