Relapse – the truth of dealing with weight loss

I barely know where to begin as it is all so complex so going to start with my happy time.

I had lost about 16 stone in total with WW and about 20 stone in my journey to date, just two years ago I was on top of the world and thought I had cracked my life long abuse of food and alcohol. I was living again, starting to travel, enjoying life to the full and felt I had found wisdom in how to live the life I had dreamt of. However by taking back those fun filled life events, social events and holiday travels, I also started to take back into my life the odd glasses of wine and my favourite ales, which in turn led to letting lose of old fears of combos of food and drink, which I felt I could control, which it turns out like any addict I cant.

So here I am two years onwards and about 10 stone up, I have not weighed in yet but I plan to at my WW class next Saturday.  How did I end up here in a place I said I would never go back to? It is all very complex, even I am not so sure but I will try and unravel it all and share with you, I do hope some of you will gain some wisdom from my journey and share some camaraderie too.

All my life from early childhood I had found refuge in food and over eating it was a comfort blanket, which has blighted my whole childhood, teenage years, adult life, why? Why oh why? Each time I ate for comfort it led to self hatred which in turn led to eating more as I had sub messages of that is all I am worth.

Now at the age of 55 I am still that child reaching out for inner peace, to live normal, my vision from normal is far from the me I perceive and look upon with dissatisfaction. The woman when unhappy, bored, lost in self destruction, self hate, feeling a failure, a woman whose self hatred is so engrained I can not see how anyone sees  good in me. Why would they when I do not see my own value? So I strive to help others because I feel they are worth saving. Now 5 years ago this coming summer I found it within to see I was worthy, I did not want to live in agony any longer, but it is more than physical pain which was a motivator to get well and lose some of the body that restricted my living, this is my driving force again, the why I want to get well again, because I have just been on holiday and as much as I tried to enjoy it and I did, there were moments of physical pain that forced my head back to reality, ” I heard my voice say again, you have hurt yourself enough now”.

What is this about? I have come to the conclusion that I have been self harming all my life, I can remember many times ramming as much food down my throat, crying in anger during an argument, moments of sitting alone just eating like a machine and when it was all gone go and buy more and whilst shopping wondering if I have bought enough food to do the job.  What is the job? To make myself quiet? To silence the voice of self love? To scare my body as much as I could so I would stay in doors and not have to face the world? Being so big gave me a reason that I can hide away, I was too big to walk, too big to be seen as I was so ugly and a freak. But almost 4 years ago I saw a desire and felt it, the hope to want to live, I had bled enough, my heart felt broken to pieces and my body so fragile, I felt a ghost, a veil of a human.

Self harming with food is a real thing, just like bulimia, anorexia, I just do not think it is acknowledge by society or the medical profession.

There is so much to say I can hardly find the words to share and trawl through the thoughts and reasons I have to explain it all, it would take many blog posts, of course I will try over the coming weeks share with you all my thinking on this and how I can help myself and others too.

The title of this post is very poignant to me : RELAPSE

My relapse began sneakily with my mind believing I could handle small amounts of alcohol and chocolate, crisps, have a night off and letting my hair down. The problem is those thoughts which I believed led me to extending those days off, the letting hair down day led to weekends, then onto Monday – I will start next week plans. The days off were quietly becoming a bigger problem, one which has led to a huge weight gain and unstable mind, anxiety, depression and a feeling of not wanting to be seen, hiding away, I kept trying to pull myself back but after a week or so would relapse again.

I returned from Marrakech on Saturday morning and felt so unwell after a week of eating too much and drinking and the pain of walking, getting up and down was hard again, needing my husband to help me manoeuvre, he is an important part of my life not just as my husband who I love and adore but someone who has stood by me through everything fat and thin, I am truly blessed with his friendship and love.  So while away it dawned on my I had been self harming, I had relapsed big time and I was ready to share it.

  1. Acknowledge I had a problem
  2. Share my voice, my feelings
  3. Find help in support

Today is Sunday I had lots of rest yesterday, so feeling much better. I chose to eat sensible yesterday and had no alcohol.  I know to get well again just like last huge weight loss I knew I had to abstain from certain things, like booze, biscuits, crisps, I knew what my combos were which triggers de railed me and I am very aware of them again because they are the same ones, it is my plan and promise to myself to remember this triggers and abstain once more as I seem to be unable to moderate.

I am thinking of starting a live chat/video or something similar – where I weigh in at home before I go to WW class, if there is an interest and people want to lose weight with me.

There is so much to say – I dare say I will come back with some more information and ideas on how to handle life as a self harming binge eater. The truth is weight loss is not easy and it is not about knowing your calories, which plan you follow, or how many steps you have made, yes those things do contribute of course to losing weight, but I feel this for me is about mental well being. I am very knowledgable and capable, yet I had relapsed due to my mental state.

Keep the love going around!

 

Lisa x

5 May 2019 Marrakech (size 24)

31 thoughts on “Relapse – the truth of dealing with weight loss”

  1. Amazingly honest,be kind to yourself and never forget you have an army of us behind you,,you can do this 💐💐💐💐💐

  2. Lisa, you are one amazing, inspiration woman and I wish you all the luck..and willpower in the world on your journey. Like you, I lost a lot of weight, but got complacent and have ended up putting it all back on plus 1lb more – I am so cross with myself! I am going to follow your blog as I relate with all of what you are saying…. we can do this and I honestly believe we will!

    1. Hi Kim thank you for your support, it is amazing how quickly old habits can come back and the weight piles on quickly too, but its not in vein we have knowledge and we are both mindful of what has happened, so we can move forward, we can do this!

  3. Thank you!
    I had never seen my eating habits as self harming, but it is. You have made me realise that. I am not bulimic, I couldn’t do the end bit, but I am a secret eater and it is about self sabotage.
    I look forward to your future writings and wish you well on this new journey you are on x

    1. Hi Karen, thank you for your reply, I never thought of over eating as self harming, but it dawned on me on occasions when I eat and why I over ate and it seem clear to me that I was self harming. As you say it is a new journey, I see it a new start every day, best wishes to you

  4. Dear Lisa..you have been an inspiration to me for a while. I think what you had achieved was AMAZING and you CAN do it again. I have lost 2.5 stone but it has taken me soo long . You mentioned in your new year blog about relocating and friends and family. That struck a cord with me, both of my daughters have moved away, one to NZ and one to Devon. I miss them all the time and quite often comfort eat. I think tho that you have to be quite selfish and just do what you and your body needs. You’re so lucky to have a partner who is right there beside you good times or bad. I wish you everything you would wish for yourself. Good luck and lots of love xx

    1. Hello Grace, I think we are all unique and we all lose and gain weight uniquely. It has been hard for me to accept the weight gain, but have let that go and focusing on the positive of what I have achieved. It has been hard living away from my children, I have one son also living in NZ my other children live in Wiltshire, comfort eating seems to relieve stress temporarily, but not the answer I know that, it is hard at times to be aware in the moment to say no to the temptation. Best wishes to you x

  5. Lisa your words really hit a mark with me.
    I have lost weight promised myself I would never put it back on and yet I failed again and again.
    At the moment I am fighting myself inside my head trying not to put more weight back on.
    Love and hugs to you Lisa.

    1. Hi Alison, I felt like I had failed, hated myself for it, felt weak and waste of time, let myself and others down, however we are not robots, we are emotional beings, we are not meant to be perfect, we learn to walk by falling down and crawling, perhaps that is what life will always be like. Be kind to yourself I have had to be and it has helped me to move on, give yourself some space and credit for your achievements

  6. Lisa that has really hit home for me, I know how you feel the same is happening to myself, I’m slipping back into my bad habits, so need to stop eating junk & i need help to get back on track I’m still going to class & putting on weight again but lisa we will keep fighting this ! One step at a time! Takecare! X

  7. You look beautiful and happy in these photos- all I can say is I’ve been there. I am there. Keep on talking about it- it’s important

  8. I was so very sorry to read this Lisa. I know I have mentioned Overeaters Anonymous before and I hope you will consider attending a meeting. You will be made VERY welcome there because everyone will know exactly what it’s like to be powerless over food, because they are all powerless themselves.
    You are right that addressing the reasons and especially the resentments we all have, is the only real way forward.
    Bravery not perfection. X

  9. What a brave post. I wish you well Lisa, your honesty is an inspiration. I hope you keep on blogging, I missed your posts and I am so glad to see you back.

  10. I just wanted to say that reading this felt a very similar story as mine and I just wanted to say I hope you are ok and that I’m restarting my journey to a healthier me x

  11. Hi Lisa,

    It’s good to see you posting again and with such an honest and relatable post. I hope it is going okay?

    All the best, Amy

    1. Hi Amy thank you for that comment, means so much that I am able to reach out and speak in the hope others will find it helpful. Best wishes, Lisa

  12. This is sooo relatable I’ve just done my first week back at Ww and was focussed. I look at pictures and wonder how I am here after being sooo happy with my weight loss and sooo unhappy now. The thought of hot weather makes me weep shorts vests and swimwear are calling and I dread the feeling wearing them. For 4years I have said next summer will be different but each year I’ve gained 4-5 lbs instead. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and over my start weight. I’ve gone to my ww class each week which has stopped it being 4-5lbs a week but I just don’t seem to be able to stay in control. My emotions take over. I look forward to hear how your journey is going since you went back to class. Best of luck a fellow frustrated dieter.

    1. Hi Clare, it is good to hear from you, when we are focused everything seems so easy, but clarity oftentimes for me is when life is chugging along with not curve balls or stress or hormones raging. The times when I feel low and or out of kilter with normal routine is when I have struggled. Looking back with objectivity I perhaps could have talked to someone, not withdrawn, hid away, let my disappointment fester and grow. We must find a way to look at our success, the positive changes we have made, that can also be getting through a rough patch, for myself I now feel stronger for all I have gone through. I found looking that I pulled through this practicing things that made me feel a bit happier, such as favourite music, scented candles, going for a swim, watching birds in the garden, cuddling with my dog, no matter what your happy thing is do it often. Why not write down some things that make you smile, raise your mood, these were the first steps I started with. Best wishes Lisa

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