Wow it has been a while since I last wrote an update. The last few months have required me to dig deep, it has been a struggle but somehow or other I managed to keep my mind forging forwards to where I hope to be. Where is that you may ask? The most important is an emotional none physical place. ‘It’s a feeling not a place, it is peace, calmness, enjoying the just being me today’ I do have have those go to places I feel calm in,I also love to take time out and have coffee, there is something about going out for a coffee that helps me relax, it is important to find your own safe place, thats how I find it, funny though am never tempted by the cakes on sale, a good thing! My other happy place is going to the park with my dog (which often involves a coffee too!) Also I love swimming, I have been able to stop worrying about what people think of how I look, have found a way to pretend they are not there
Since my last blog entry I have pulled myself through some pretty low moments, I have been perimenopausal for a long time and until last month being 6 months absent of my monthly I thought I was almost done, but my body had other plans! For me the low moods, tiredness and extreme foggy head has perhaps been all part of the over eating cycle again. I did visit my Dr and had my anti depressants adjusted and they have helped an awful lot over the last 5 months or so. I started staying to Weight Watchers class on Saturdays again, the community feel and friendship where I feel safe to share with my friends in class has also helped to move forward and regain some happiness and clarity.
Taking myself in hand be seeking support from my Dr and my friends and family, I was able to give myself some slack and stop punishing myself. Also during this point I gave up drinking again, drinking wine or the odd beer really diminished my clear thinking of what were good food choices, so without this trigger I have been able to make good choices and show myself some affection by adding things to my life and daily routine that I enjoy. The problem with eating a box of cakes or drinking several glasses of wine, that temporary feeling of comfort is so short a window, for me as soon as I have finished the so called treat, I felt guilt, anger, shame and would think blow it and make everything worse!
Since June I have managed to care for my body and mind and it is paying off, I feel happier, yes still frustrated with where I am, but trying to look forward as looking back makes me cry and I dont think I need to cry any more. So June until September I have lost 2 stone 10 lbs and I am pretty happy with that. (If I am honest I am a little impatient and wish it was double that) but every day is a brand new day, a day I appreciate all in my life. Below have listed a few things I can do now which I could not do at 34 stone, and I have been using these positive thoughts to help me keep going and not berate myself for slipping and having a relapse. I realised that turning a corner on my relapse was pivotal when I started to appreciate I had not lost all my progress in fact I still had so many good things that I was able to include in my life that were not possible before, so a change of my view, perspective of life helped turn the corner and move on from the relapse
- Tie shoes
- Clean myself all over, toilet and shower
- Dress myself
- Stand and cook/wash up
- Walk a reasonable distance
- Go shopping
- Feel brave enough to buy perfume and make up
- Buy clothes from regular shops (ok still plus size atm but that will change soon)
- Walk around the shops
- Play with my grandchildren
- Go to the cinema/theatre
- Get in plane seat
- Drive a car easily without seat belt extender
- Not have panic attacks that people are looking at me
- Go to hair dressers also dentist
I am sure there are more things if I thought about it but for the most these things spring to mind.
Life is so fleeting, every day is a gift and I am grateful for my lot, I have goals and dreams and working towards them one day at a time.
I was able to forgive myself once again and let in the light of hope through the darkness of depression.
Never give up – no matter how you feel this moment, you could be feeling different in 5 minutes time or tomorrow morning
My world my grandchildren