Hardly know where to start to be honest, it has been difficult hiding away hating myself, living in the past and living on regret, living a life of shame and black despondency. It is hard to believe I have been in a trance for couple of years looking back and wishing I was there, all the time it left me feeling so lost and sad and hateful of what I had done, the spiral of hate grew and grew which left me in a vulnerable state and living on emotions rather than deciding how I want to live, I let emotions run my thoughts and actions.
I reached out a few months ago to my Dr and asked for help, I was in such a mess, binge eating, binge drinking, not wanting to face the world, living a life of selfish “I don’t want this situation” what a waste of energy when I had the power to change it. Anyhow my Dr referred me to All Ages Eating Disorder clinic, after an initial assessment with the team it was decided what sort of help treatment was right for me, I needed this help so much, this Wednesday is week four of DBT therapy which is used successfully for people who have eating disorders as well as personality. The therapist I see weekly, during lockdown its via video call, she has been a godsend in these lock down times of this virus pandemic. She is helping me develop tools which I believe are to develop a wise mind and stop the dramatic swings of emotions running my life and choices.
We often hear about self love, but what that exactly is, its specific to each of us individually. For me I live my life through shame, a feeling I have failed, a very black and white way of thinking, full on or full off, I do not seem to live amongst any shades of grey in daily life. Being very self critical and realising my goals and aims were not met, I do attack myself and self sabotage myself because that is what I deserve. Learning to be kind to myself is not easy but I am willing to try, because the real me, the core me, the future me is not the me that is running the show at the moment.
I have a lot of baggage from childhood, habits deep ingrained where I turn to eating for comfort, these rituals I still do at the age of 56 I am still reacting like a 7 year old girl. Emotionally injured and damaged, adult me runs and hides when I make mistakes and feel afraid. There are certain foods and also alcohol I do not seem to have any control over, I thought I did, 3 years ago went on holiday, had a few treats and thats when it all started, little by little the old habits of eating trigger foods took over and returned me back to being a binge eater – shame took over, the cycle of shame and binging has been going on now for couple of years, I have tried so hard to get back many times, but looked at others and thought what a mess and a failure I am. We all have our own story, we can take inspiration and use it for positive or negative, it is what we choose to do with it that is on us.
Today is a good day, I try and make a list of 5 things daily when I wake in the morning I have a journal by my bed, never enjoyed doing this before, so it is not an easy habit to get going for me. I take my journal out, write down my thoughts and at the end of morning thoughts I write 5 things as a wish list, its not important if I do not achieve them all or any. At bedtime I write in my journal again my thoughts and tick off what I did from my wish list, I am making progress as I do not look at the things I did not do with shame, I look at them and think tomorrow.
The therapist prefers I do not focus on weighing myself or even counting food etc, so I am not sure how heavy I am, I would say I am around 25 stone a size 26. Strange how that looks in writing, I am proud I am able to write it and share the truth. So I am focusing on living for the day, being the best me I can be, doing my best to be kind to myself and show myself forgiveness.
Time to live for today, yesterday is gone, I just want to try and be the best of me now this moment and dream of a better tomorrow.
I guess I should share why I am where I am today, it was pain, physical pain that nudged me to ask for help, losing my freedom again is terrifying, I had felt yet again I have gone too far and it is too late. It is not too late, we can all start over no matter how many times each attempt is testimony to our strength and courage.