3 January 2019 – looking forwards

I sit here waiting for breakfast to cook, today I decided to have lemon poppy seed baked oats with banana. It has been my intention for several days now to make an honest diary update of where I am, so while breakfast is cooking I thought this is the moment.

Yesterday was the first day I had taken back control of my eating, for some time. It has been a difficult few months with the manifestation of binges within my daily living. Huge high calorific binges where there seemed no off button other than going to bed to sleep. What has brought me back to my senses has been the news of the passing of one of my close friends someone who has been with me through my weight loss journey, I found out my friend Paul had passed away was by a phone call on new years eve, I felt devastated to hear of his loss, my loss, a friend I could turn to, I felt so selfish as I cried, how much I will miss him, never being able to talk to him again or have coffee catch ups putting the world to rights. I could hear him say to me as I sat and cried ‘come on girl pull yourself together, you silly moo’ he always had a way of making you laugh when sad. So I put some make up on and my husband and I went out to a local pub with our dog Beau to have a quiet drink and bring in the new year. It was quite a strange night, very busy in the pub until about 11 pm where it seemed only two or three couples were left inside the pub. We had been talking to a lovely couple sat next to us, we seemed to have much in common apart from weight problems, haha! Anyhow we talked and had such a lovely evening sharing each others life journey, it felt like we had known them more than 2 and half hours, at the end of the night they invited us back to wait for a taxi at their home. I actually found myself saying to them, I feel like you were sent to meet us tonight, it could no have been more poignant a meeting on such a sad day of finding out Paul had died.  It felt as though Paul had sent them to us, it is strange how you meet people who stay in your life for always or just an evening, the main realisation is we help each other and learn from listening to each other, lending an ear and also being listened to, friendship comes in all forms and it is a beautiful gift.

Paul’s death has really helped me re focus on my why I want to lose weight, a real why, a sharp reminder has hit home, I am approximately 4 stone up 4 dress sizes up and finding life hard again, moving, walking, emotionally liking myself. It seems unbelievable it has taken the loss of a dear friend to make me wake up to my own fog again, to find a path to living a life I know I want more than anything. I had been lost in emotional binging, feeling sorry for myself because my happiness was not where I thought it was, a place, near my children, life had changed, my location had changed I had spent 2 years fighting it, living a regret I was so far from my friends and family, I was trying hard to live a positive life in my new location, but those I loved were over 80 miles away. I let this eat away at me for so long it exacerbated my mood into a darker mood, when you focus on negative it sucks you in, quite unaware how much a grip it had got on me, I slipped slowly down into my own emotional quick sand. The “I’ had become selfish, worrying about how I felt rather than how I could help others and show love to those in my life no matter how far I lived away. I felt sorry for myself I had lost the life I had built up, well things do change, I always prided myself on a positive mind through my weight loss journey, yet I had been scuppered by my own mind. I had been deluded on where my happiness was, happiness can be found anywhere because it must reside inside us.

There is so much to say, I feel I could write so much to un burden my heart, but I want to accept where I am, I know how to re build and go forward with a thankful heart, good intentions no matter what the outcome, I must praise and keep hopeful. It is quite a shock to see a fat photo of myself again, but there it is I am now a size 20/22 again, much of it gained in 3 months due to binge eating. Binge eating is something I have done in my life but this time around it has been severe, copious amounts of calories through the day non stop. I can change this because I want to, I will succeed in being kind to myself and letting go of self criticism and build myself up again.

I dedicate this new beginning to my friend Paul Charlwood who I shall miss greatly, but remember fondly every day.

Happy New Year to everyone, wishing you peaceful mind and a happy 2019!