At 58 years of age I am still learning things about myself, realising with shocking clarity that I have not reached the end of the road. I am surprised I have inner strength to face up to the fact life is not black and white, which is historically how I have motored onwards with that daily vision through this journey. When I was ahead I was strong, dedicated, motivated, one mistake and I was crashed, burned, beat myself to a pulp emotionally and got lost in a dark black fog, settled there as in my mind I felt I had ruined any chances I had, I had failed, I was a waste of time. I had crashed and burned any hope of the future I had worked so hard to create.
Choosing to stay in a dark place, came to a close when my Dr offered me counselling earlier in the year, it was via telephone support due to Covid, but I had made a connection with this person. After pouring out my heart to him in our first talk, I got myself into a state and during a quiet moment he asked me “what makes you think its all over”? he carried on and said “its not over until your last breath” those words turned my life around, I had packed my bags and was ready to say goodbye, had settled that I had blown everything, yet in that moment my counsellor hit me with a moment so cleansing and clarifying I felt blown away but how true his words were. Over 8 weeks he helped me to make great progress in how I viewed life, those within it, my own self, I am forgiving and care deeply for others but never had found it easy to forgive myself for mistakes. I shall ever be grateful to him and for my Dr putting me forward – sometimes I feel I was visited by an an angel who lifted me up, who enveloped me in the purist of love of a neighbour, someone I had never known before, probably will never ever meet in person, yet this man had made a huge difference to my approach to getting well and step forwards with a hopeful heart.
It is really tough to write these numbers down as I never ever thought I would find myself back in this place. Over 4 years I gained so much weight, I ballooned back up to 27 stone 11 lbs. Since then I have lost weight, I applied for gastric bypass via my GP who forwarded me to the hospital. Last September I had my first visit to the bariatric Dr who said I was to lose weight and eat only certain things. Which I did for a while, then fell off the waggon and gained weight, so when I went back to see her few months later I was back up to 27 stone. She again told me to go away and try once more. During last year I had a severe groin injury which was so painful and hard to live with, I again eventually felt at breaking point once more, ‘the do or die’ moment had again arrived.
The Dr said I could eat the following:
Weetabix, no bread, no pasta, no rice
Vegetables, no potatoes
Fruit no mango or banana
Sugar free jelly
Skimmed milk
Fat free yogurt
Protein lean of any sort
That list got me started in March this year, slowly the last couple of weeks I have been introducing some of my No Count way of living, it is going well, mentally and emotionally each day I am once again starting to feel creative in the kitchen. My husband has mainly been shopping and cooking for me from the food I was restricted to and that pressure taken off of me, has been so, so helpful.
Today I am ready, I feel able to and want to start creating again, once again I feel “I can” do this! I weighed in last Monday at 24 stone 2 1/2 lbs. Slow but sure its coming off, slowly I am becoming more mobile again. Just like the last time I lost a lot of weight with WW it was loss of mobility that drove me to want to recover.
Even though I have applied for gastric operation, just like last time it does not mean I will accept it. 6 years ago I applied for it and did not go ahead with it as I felt WW was easier, this time my application is a safety net again, I have run out of time to keep having relapses. So I am keeping my mind open with regards to an op – as I know its not an easy route to take.
During the months of spring two of my dearest friends passed away. Both ladies Jean and Nicky were such wonderful friends, who I miss with all my heart. When I saw Jean one of the later visits she said to me “you will be where I am Lisa if you do not sort yourself out”, Jean and I had both belonged to the same WW group where we first met and founded a solid friendship. Nicky I met at school junior school many years ago.
It has taken such losses to cement my acceptance I need and want to change, this may well be my last chance. In memory of Jean and Nicky I want to live my best life.
Below a recent photo of me with me new grandson.
