Author: lisa

Just over a week ago I arrived back after a holiday with my Mom and Step Dad, my Pops I call him. Two weeks in  Calis Beach Turkey, now before I even packed my case I had decided this was going to be a healthy holiday, no alcohol, or ice creams or cakes or any rubbish, I had not even lost the weight I had gained last holiday some 24 lbs, that was a lesson learned, which is why I have not repeated it this year. Since that large gain last June I have struggled to get a grip, have had lots of ups and downs, but somehow have been losing the same 14 lbs in the last year. Every line drawn was a win, every effort made to pull it back was a triumph, I have come to accept it will always be this way for me and I am ok with that.

so holiday in Turkey with my parents was truly memory making, I ate large healthy breakfasts consisting of lots of fruit, eggs, sometimes wholemeal toast no butter or jam. Milk was hard to control as had no idea what it was, but I was not going without my morning coffee!! We spent leisurely days around the pool or should I say in the pool as it was so very hot, at times quite hard to deal with, hence I became a water baby for two weeks, playing ball with my Mom in the pool brought back childhood memories and my Pops got in the water first time in 30 years as a non swimmer I was very proud of him. I tackled getting onto an air bed, it was like a scene from a movie, Lisa Tames The Raging Inflatable Alligator, such joy I had spending quite some time determined to get on it without help and I did.  It was amazing to be able to pick fresh figs from the tree next to the pool, maybe that is where my weight gain came from ?  Other eventful moments were have a Turkish bath and a body massage, things I would have never have done at my biggest. Wearing pretty dresses and heels, feeling comfortable in my own body and very happy to have my flabby legs and arms on display, they are part of my story of who I am.

During the day it was too hot to eat, so while everyone else tucked into ice cream my treat was a cold glass bottle of diet coke, never once did I feel left out, my joy was sitting in the middle of the pool on the ledge sunning myself, being able to lift myself up onto the ledge and feeling comfortable for the world to see me, was worth more than any ice cream. Evening meals were taken at an array of restaurants, the one thing about eating in Turkey is you can eat traditional food or very easily choose to eat the basics which is what I did, chicken, steak, fish, salad and jacket potatoes, fruit salads on occasion a little home made bread, it was so hard to resist! Drinks at the table were ice cold bottled soda water which I would sometimes flavour with my own squash drops I took with me or diet coke and I was so drunk on life I was content.

When I weighed in post holiday I was pretty shocked to have gained weight, I felt smaller but who knows, my body has proven over the last 4 years it has a mind of its own when concerning the scales, none the less I have taken it in my stride and continued to eat on plan and healthy, most of all I have a healthy mind set at the moment, which I feel is key to making good choices, being positive even with set backs is my own little miracle.

Much of the holiday I saw many street dogs and just wanted to take them all home, just loved Bandit and Teddy so much, was hard to leave them behind, there is a great team in Calis Beach that runs a care fund raising group which supports the street dogs, such wonderful group of people, if you are interested you can find out more here.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1683660251711612/

Soon I am going on holiday with my husband for two weeks – I plan to live much the same on that holiday, but may let myself have the odd ice cream, we shall see, the one thing I am sure of is that one can never say never, thats the biggest mistake I used to make, because when I broke that promise to myself I hated myself so much and would go off the rails! So patience and persistence and self love is all you need to make changes in life, that is what I try and do daily.

Keep smiling and just take a day at a time

So if like me you often find yourself feeling hungry and worry the food I have prepared is enough you may relate to some of my thoughts.

There are so many reasons why I eat :

joy

sadness

bordom

stress

social

lonely

self harm

I can add a whole long list defining them into finer categories, but I am sure you can add your own.

When I first started to lose weight some 4 years ago I did have some help via my local hospital and their psychologist, he opened my mind to a few things which was a springboard into releasing negative thoughts and to be able to be honest about what state my hunger truly is. The hardest part of this is to be truthful to myself – sometimes I just do not want to listen and charge forwards in self destruct mode.

The Hunger Scale:

This was something I had never heard of, basically it is a practice than did become second nature to me, just tuning into myself and assessing where I am on my own hunger scale, zero – starving, 10 is full to being sick. It did take a while to get into the swing of answering myself honestly and acting on that self estimation, then making a decision. Whether I ate or not no matter where I assessed my hunger, at least I was doing it mindfully!

Some of my issues of eating and continue to eat is because it is so nice I just want more, so greed? Addiction, salt or sugar? Alcohol? Some things I just can not seem to control is small amounts. By finding substitutes for these triggers has been pivotal part of my weight loss journey. Such as baking puddings rather than eating shop bought chocolate and treats.  I am not saying I always get it right, far from it, hence this post, the thing is I had been complacent and stopped using my tricks that helped me.

After eating if I had a cup of tea I never went back for seconds! My fave drink after evening meal is camomile and honey tea, I know that once I have had this drink it leaves my mind and pallet satisfied. Also washing up straight after dinner helps, because I am busy and less likely to let my thoughts wonder back to going in for a second pudding!

All we can do is know ourselves, no one else knows you like you – so give it some real thought what makes you tick, what makes you feel satisfied? For me every time hot food makes me feel fuller longer, also spicy food especially chilli and garlic, these flavours linger and stop my cravings even after I have finished my food.

There are always time I have ‘a fancy’ I sit and deny it but the though nags at me – it is ok to distract yourself or make the choice to go with the craving, but do it honestly.

One of the most important things I have found is to acknowledge I like to feel full, I hate feel hungry, I realise I have emotional connection with eating, I go through every emotion of life with food. I would say at my age now of 54 I am the most happy than I have ever been, I am older, joints ache, I have lots of excess skin, yet I am happy in my own skin and content with who I am. I do believe I stopped chasing the unrealistic expectation of being the perfect me, or comparing myself and criticising my own standing in life and achievements. So much energy is wasted in this way, I believe we can channel it into positive thoughts, it is not easy to think fondly of yourself and self respect when you have spent years hating oneself, but like anything change takes time and practice.

My top foods that I find filling:

protein

oats/oat bran

vegetables

fat free yogurt

whole meal bread also crumpets

water

herbal tea

skinny coffee

spices

When you make a diary or keep track of your menu, do take note of which foods you found most filling and satisfying, this may help you adapt your menu to make the week easier.

Remember always be kind to yourself and give yourself space to grow and take the steps you desire to live the life you dream of – if you are in an impossibly low mood, try out a mood shifter. A song, call a friend, have a good cry at a soppy film, helps the tears get out. We all have that one song that lifts up, one of mine is David Grey, Babylon.

Wow it has been a while since my air smelt fresh and hopeful and truly positive, what an amazing feeling to fall asleep to last night and wake up to again this morning.

So here I am with a clear mind after a succession of binges, I thought I had cracked my old habits and changed my life forever with Filling & Healthy, I saw some foods as poison, I envisaged the power of eating healthy and knew it was healing me like a medicine. Abstained from triggers which I knew would always trip me up. I had for once understood me and what I was capable of and could make myself stronger and powerful in my own truth, some 16 stone later with Weight Watchers I found myself living a life I could only of ever dreamed of.  In the beginning all I wanted was to be able to care for myself and be mobile, fitting into size 12 was not part of that end vision, my dream to save my own life. Yet I did achieve that, size 12, I can barely believe that number even though I know it is fact.

So when did the binges return? When did I become complacent? What happened to knowing my own truth? Did my own truth change? The binges never went away, I had replaced with healthier options of foods, whole tubs of fat free yogurt, punnet of grapes, I was still and still am a binger. The complacency crept upon me, I knew it was there but thought I could handle it, it will be ok tomorrow! Sound familiar? My inner truth has never changed, I just turned down the volume and chose to not listen.

I guess like any abuser, in my case it is food, the emotional reasons will always be there, also the habit of turning to that comfort will always be there, the answer is in mindfulness, not feeling guilt and acknowledging these things that are my make up. It is ok to be who I am and have frailty, it is not ok for me to give up on myself. Even during my binge days I knew I would get back to it, but in those moments that is what I had numbly chose to do.

How do I turn up my inner voice, how do I listen more to that voice than the negative words that can over power my positivity?  It is not easy, but by keep being persistent and breaking down into very small goals I was able to clear a pathway from the fogy path of the binge eater. It goes back to realising my triggers, which are for me as below:

stress

parties

holidays

change of routine

The outcome is consumption of alcohol which leads to eating snacks and rubbish processed foods, which leads to more alcohol and so the cycle begins, next day I get up thinking I will forget yesterday, start again, some times the line I draw the following day I am able to cope other days I may last an hour before the next binge.

So how did I lose so much weight to begin with? By accepting my triggers I knew to save my own life I had to abstain from certain situations and foods, which I did for 3 years. I found by abstaining I was able to remove temptation to a large degree, also I wanted so much to be mobile, so the reason to lose weight was so great much greater than wanting to eat cake, crisps and drink wine!

Is abstaining an option for life? As I have become more socialble, engaging in social situations, enjoying holidays, enjoying dressing up to go out, I felt I could take my own foods with me on many occasions and only drink diet coke, but the past year had seen me believe I can control these triggers on occasional basis, sometimes I did other times I could not.  Which has led to weight gain, I am enjoying a healthy and positive focus on life at the moment binge free – but do I want to go the rest of my life abstaining from my triggers?

I can’t imagine never enjoying a meal out and have a glass of wine, or a cream tea on holiday, or the odd fish and chip treat. But how do I control these treats? How do I stop the binge happening, because once I taste these foods I want more, more and more.

This is for life, which I have known for a long time and have accepted it, but truthfully when in a binge phase it certainly feels terrible because I have lost so much weight I felt ashamed to still be a binger as I had so much knowledge and expertise. Yet I am still fragile.

I will keep going one meal at a time, one day, invest in positive mind building and self esteem.

So many weight loss stories are about success then and now, but what happens when the successful weight loss turns out to be hard to maintain, what happens when you never get to goal? It is time to talk about the other side of weight loss, the person like me who has lost much weight and re gained some of it. Lost control, the weight loss journey is not just about losing weight, it is about facing the struggles, the times when it does not work because we do not use the plan we follow because of emotional distress or our lives being out of routine.

The Lisa below is the Lisa I enjoy being, this is the body and positive mind that is a joy to live with, I will never quit!

• Top tip! Forget the scales, focus on mental well being, on eating well, one meal at a time, if you go to Weight Watchers like I do, go to class, even after a binge, perhaps don’t weigh in, but go, during these tough times is when we need support the most, this is then not about losing weight, it is about building yourself up emotionally in a positive way, with people who understand and care.

“I am a binge eater, I suffer with depression, I am not perfect, I am broken and fragile, I am open and honest, a woman who struggles and cares, I will never stop trying to live the life I dream of”